In my pillow fort and peering out suspiciously...: Why I love my job.

(Warning: This blog has a bunch of naughty words. )

1:00 am Sunday Morning

The parking lot of a crowded bar.

Facing the bar in the midst of the festivities sits a solitary cop in his ghetto sled.

He is engrossed in some ridiculous paperwork stemming from an argument about infidelity, lightly sprinkled with crack cocaine and simmered in 40oz of King Cobra over medium heat for several hours.

(tap, tap, tap, on the car window)

The window hums as it lowers.

"What's up?" Asks Cop 1.

"Hey man there's a guy passed out behind the bar. We threw him out earlier because he was being disorderly. Carter is back there with him right now."

"Okay. Ill go check"

Behind the bar, lying face up with arms and legs outstretched, is a typical John Q. Heineken. We all know this guy.

30. Pudgy. Spiked thinning hair. Dark pointy leather shoes. Button up shirt from Sears. Belly poking out from underneath. Cell phone flipped open and in his left hand. Snoring.

Cop 1 thinks to himself:

Breathing? Check.

Injured? Nope.

A victim of some kind? Ha.

Cop 1 steps back.

"You know, if he just moved his arm and legs, he could make a perfect grass angel."

Carter laughs.

Cop 1 closes his right hand into a fist and rubs his knuckles briskly on Heineken's sternum. It's apparently supposed to wake anyone.

"Ungggh......." replies Heineken.

The aforementioned sternum rub is applied again with more force accompanied by the clear vocalization "Police. Wake up."

Heineken manages to slur together a sentence

"Hey that hurths....."

His eyes still closed.

"That means I'm doing it right. Wakey-wakey eggs and bakey."

Carter laughs again.

Enter two more cops. Cop 2 and Cop 3.

Cop 1 takes the cell phone away. Then fishes Heineken's driver license from the pocket of his stained 501's.

"Police. Wake up."

(gentle snoring)

"Police"...Nothing

"Policia"...Nothing

"Polizei"...Nothing

Cop 2 and Cop 3 laugh.

Carter laughs a third time.

Cop 2 and Cop 3 step forward, each grab a wrist, and pull Heineken to a sitting position

Heineken gently awakens.

"Who are you?" He asks squinting his swollen, greasy eyes.

"The Police." says Cop 1. "What are you doing back here?"

"I's juss...bar.....friends......."

"Where are your friends?"

Heineken wobbles to his feet, sways back and forth, looks around at the the three cops and loudly says with a smile:

"I just went and saw I love you man!"

"I hear that from a lot of girls. Where are your friends?" says Cop 1.

"Huh?"

"Your FRIENDS! Where are they?"

"Your funny man! How funny are you?"

"Funny enough to get this job. Where are your friends?"

"How funny are you?"

"I don't know. How funny are you?" asks Cop 1.

"How funny are you?"

"I asked you second" says Cop 1.

Cop 3 laughs.

"What day is it?" Cop 3 asks Heineken.

(pause)

"Tuesday." says Heineken

"Where are you?"

(pause)

"Home..."

"Call F.D. hes too 54 adam to be left alone" says Cop 1 to Cop 3.

"Cop 3"

The radio crackles back: "Cop 3 go ahead."

"Cop 3, roll FD for a 54 adam subject very intoxicated. He's not answering questions correctly."

"10-4"

Cop 1 turns around and looks through the cell phone to find a friend to call.

"Mom". No answer.

"Dad". No answer.

"Louis". Someone picks up.

"This is the police. Your friend Heineken is back behind the bar passed out. Come get him please."

"Where are you?"

"Behind the bar."

"Who is this?"

"The police."

"Where are you?"

"Awesome..." Cop 1 thinks to himself.

"BEHIND THE BAR. COME GET HEINEKEN."

(click)

Enter Fire Department.

FD asks Heineken "You OK?"

"Yea I'm fine."

"You want to go to the hospital?"

"Nope."

Heineken starts to stumble away.

"Hey man don't leave. I have your phone." says Cop 1.

Heineken stumbles and pinballs between some parked cars trying to briskly walk away.

Cop 1, Cop 2, and Cop 3 mosey after Heineken.

Enter Cop 4.

FD watches with smiles and yells " Hey if he was a doughnut you guys would catch him!"

Cop 1 thinks to himself. "Well if he was a sheep then you guys would be trying to catch him instead."

Cop 1 thinks to himself again "Baa means No."

Cop 1 smiles to himself.

Heineken stumbles across the street into the landscaping of an apartment complex, trips on the large river rocks, falls, and hits his head.

Cop 1, Cop 2, and Cop 4 pick up Heineken and escort him back to the grass area. Heineken has a nickel sized bruise on his forehead.

Heineken starts to writhe and tries to turn around on the cops.

Cop 1 twists Heineken's right arm into an escort hold.

Heineken tries to break free from the escort holds and begins to fall forward. He breaks his left arm loose and tries to spin. Cop 2 tries to punch Heineken in the back. He misses and hits Heineken square in the ass.

Cop 1 laughs.

Heineken gets handcuffed and begins to scream at the top of his lungs.

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"
"Fuck you!"

(Breath)

"Fuck you!"

(breath)

"Fuck you!"

FD begins to take Heineken's vitals readings.

Heineken then makes a request of FD.

"Fuck me in the ass!"

(breath)

"Fuck me in the ass!"

(breath)

"Fuck me in the ass!"

"Fuck me in the ass!"
"Fuck me in the ass!"

"Fuck me in the ass!"

(breath)

"Just please yes do it!"

(breath)

"Just please yes do it!"

(breath)

"Just please yes do it!"

"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"

(breath)

"I love Obama!"

(breath)

"I love Obama!"

(breath)

"I love Obama but I'm the dickhead!"

(breath)

"I love Obama but I'm the dickhead!"

(breath)

"I love Obama but I'm the dickhead!"

Cop 1, Cop 2, Cop 3, and Cop 4 watch as Heineken continues screaming inside the ambulance about his affections for Obama.

FD gives Heineken a shot of something in his I.V.

Heineken falls asleep.

Cop 2, Cop 3, Cop 4, and FD leave.

Cop gets back in his ghetto sled and begins typing again where he left off.

In my pillow fort and peering out suspiciously...

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Why I love my job.

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