In my pillow fort and peering out suspiciously...

Facebook stops child rape....

2009-08-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's no secret. I hate Facebook causes. I hate Facebook causes with a passion.

I received an invitation today to join the cause "Stop child rape".

Seriously? Stop child rape?........Seriously? Why does this have to be a cause on Facebook? Is there a "Legalize child rape" cause on Facebook winning over supporters by the numbers?

I know! Lets make a Facebook cause to stop child rape, get like...28, 437 people to join our cause, and our anonymous online rebuke of child rapists will resound like a judges gavel in their ears! Who's with me?!?"

When someone bravely comes forward and reports these types of crimes, it first falls into the hands of our law enforcement officers. They investigate, identify suspects, and build a solid case against the bastard, then arrest him. Then the case goes to the hands of the prosecuting attorney who carries it into court in between the incredible case load he or she already carries from all the submitted cases they receive every day from the county they serve, often for a harsh county salary which doesn't seem befitting a law school graduate.

Then there are those who speak as advocates for the victims, counselling and guiding them through the retelling of facts, the confusing and frustrating rules of the criminal court, and the agony of testifying in front of the monster who stole their life. Its an ugly, gory, sadistic, evil monstrous telling of facts, photos, and recorded forensic interviews that will keep you awake at night.

If you really want to stop child rape, be one of those people I just spoke about and keep your gay Facebook cause to yourself.

Facebook is for letting me know which Twilight character you're most like, which of your friends is "hot or not", and seeing how fat your girlfriends got since high school. It doesn't stop child rape, or anything else that needs to be stopped.

Put down the keyboard, get off your ass, and DO something that will REALLY stop child rape, because I'm pretty sure most everyone except the rapists are against it and that hasn't stopped it at all.

Frontman489.

Roses are out, creepy love notes are in...

2009-04-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

I've had the opportunity over the years to listen to several women report they are being stalked by a strange guy. I have commonly noticed one thing in everyone of these cases: The women have all been repulsive.

They say things like "He just wants my body" (which looks like a full water bed mattress out of its frame). Or "I know he likes to watch me undress." or something else which activates my gag reflex.

This last time however Romeo left a note for this glistening, snorting, smells-like-feet-and-welfare, queen of the sea cows....

It is reproduced with the names changed. Look out ladies, he may still be single...Enjoy!

"Dearest K.

I thought that I would get at you on paper instead of face to face. I'm "D" and as you know they call me "D". And seriously I was checking you out since I first got here.
I know or notice the expression on your face, when I asked if dude was your boyfriend and you said "sort of".

It's like this: Yes, I just got out of prison for robbery and attempted kidnapping.
So anytime you want to talk about anything let me know. I want to be with you, but first let's get to know each other. You don't have to worry about me cheating on you or any of that stupid shit! I'm all man and you'll have all the respect from me.

I do want to be with you K. I am looking for a job but I can't make people give me a job you know? I'm sitting here thinking about you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes except go back to prison, and I am not about to do that.

But until then, you take care and sleep well.

Respectfully,
D."

This taught me that for every globulous, unmotivated, ridiculous, Section 8, baby maker, there's a lurking, violent, fuming, angry-at-the-world parolee waiting to scoop her up, steal her WIC card and molest her middle child.

It's my credit score. It can be as low as I want it to be!!!

2009-04-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

So I just got my tax return.

I had two Chase credit cards each with a $3000.00 balance or so.

I paid them and cancelled them.

Each time I try to share this good news, everyone says the same thing:

"You need to keep one open so you have available credit so you will have a good score otherwise you wont blah blah blah and then you can't by a triple-decker double-fisted elbow tickler blah blah blah cause everything I know about money I learned from spending it blah blah blah."

Credit is BAD. Using it is BAD. It is an instant gratification tool we have come to accept as being necessary. IT ISN'T. A good credit score is for people who need more loans to buy more things.

If you haven't guessed, Frontman489 is a minimalist. If I don't have it and can't afford it, I don't need it.

I'm not saying ruin you credit. If you wan to keep a card open for emergencies that *IS* a smart thing. AS LONG AS IT'S FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. I'm saying live within your means and lets stop giving our money away in minimum monthly payments to a bunch of overpaid retards who spent all their money and ours and then needed the U.S. government to fork over some more so they wouldn't have to take a 1.2 million pay cut. RIDICULOUS!!

Screw the credit card companies and let them nickel and dime someone else! I'm going old school. That's right, a savings account. As in "I'm going to start putting money in there as soon as I kill the debt I have left." Then if I need it, Ill save for it and buy it.

Mastercard and Visa can kiss my @$$.

Frontman489.

Why I love my job.

2009-03-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

(Warning: This blog has a bunch of naughty words. )

1:00 am Sunday Morning

The parking lot of a crowded bar.

Facing the bar in the midst of the festivities sits a solitary cop in his ghetto sled.

He is engrossed in some ridiculous paperwork stemming from an argument about infidelity, lightly sprinkled with crack cocaine and simmered in 40oz of King Cobra over medium heat for several hours.

(tap, tap, tap, on the car window)

The window hums as it lowers.

"What's up?" Asks Cop 1.

"Hey man there's a guy passed out behind the bar. We threw him out earlier because he was being disorderly. Carter is back there with him right now."

"Okay. Ill go check"

Behind the bar, lying face up with arms and legs outstretched, is a typical John Q. Heineken. We all know this guy.

30. Pudgy. Spiked thinning hair. Dark pointy leather shoes. Button up shirt from Sears. Belly poking out from underneath. Cell phone flipped open and in his left hand. Snoring.

Cop 1 thinks to himself:

Breathing? Check.

Injured? Nope.

A victim of some kind? Ha.

Cop 1 steps back.

"You know, if he just moved his arm and legs, he could make a perfect grass angel."

Carter laughs.

Cop 1 closes his right hand into a fist and rubs his knuckles briskly on Heineken's sternum. It's apparently supposed to wake anyone.

"Ungggh......." replies Heineken.

The aforementioned sternum rub is applied again with more force accompanied by the clear vocalization "Police. Wake up."

Heineken manages to slur together a sentence

"Hey that hurths....."

His eyes still closed.

"That means I'm doing it right. Wakey-wakey eggs and bakey."

Carter laughs again.

Enter two more cops. Cop 2 and Cop 3.

Cop 1 takes the cell phone away. Then fishes Heineken's driver license from the pocket of his stained 501's.

"Police. Wake up."

(gentle snoring)

"Police"...Nothing

"Policia"...Nothing

"Polizei"...Nothing

Cop 2 and Cop 3 laugh.

Carter laughs a third time.

Cop 2 and Cop 3 step forward, each grab a wrist, and pull Heineken to a sitting position

Heineken gently awakens.

"Who are you?" He asks squinting his swollen, greasy eyes.

"The Police." says Cop 1. "What are you doing back here?"

"I's juss...bar.....friends......."

"Where are your friends?"

Heineken wobbles to his feet, sways back and forth, looks around at the the three cops and loudly says with a smile:

"I just went and saw I love you man!"

"I hear that from a lot of girls. Where are your friends?" says Cop 1.

"Huh?"

"Your FRIENDS! Where are they?"

"Your funny man! How funny are you?"

"Funny enough to get this job. Where are your friends?"

"How funny are you?"

"I don't know. How funny are you?" asks Cop 1.

"How funny are you?"

"I asked you second" says Cop 1.

Cop 3 laughs.

"What day is it?" Cop 3 asks Heineken.

(pause)

"Tuesday." says Heineken

"Where are you?"

(pause)

"Home..."

"Call F.D. hes too 54 adam to be left alone" says Cop 1 to Cop 3.

"Cop 3"

The radio crackles back: "Cop 3 go ahead."

"Cop 3, roll FD for a 54 adam subject very intoxicated. He's not answering questions correctly."

"10-4"

Cop 1 turns around and looks through the cell phone to find a friend to call.

"Mom". No answer.

"Dad". No answer.

"Louis". Someone picks up.

"This is the police. Your friend Heineken is back behind the bar passed out. Come get him please."

"Where are you?"

"Behind the bar."

"Who is this?"

"The police."

"Where are you?"

"Awesome..." Cop 1 thinks to himself.

"BEHIND THE BAR. COME GET HEINEKEN."

(click)

Enter Fire Department.

FD asks Heineken "You OK?"

"Yea I'm fine."

"You want to go to the hospital?"

"Nope."

Heineken starts to stumble away.

"Hey man don't leave. I have your phone." says Cop 1.

Heineken stumbles and pinballs between some parked cars trying to briskly walk away.

Cop 1, Cop 2, and Cop 3 mosey after Heineken.

Enter Cop 4.

FD watches with smiles and yells " Hey if he was a doughnut you guys would catch him!"

Cop 1 thinks to himself. "Well if he was a sheep then you guys would be trying to catch him instead."

Cop 1 thinks to himself again "Baa means No."

Cop 1 smiles to himself.

Heineken stumbles across the street into the landscaping of an apartment complex, trips on the large river rocks, falls, and hits his head.

Cop 1, Cop 2, and Cop 4 pick up Heineken and escort him back to the grass area. Heineken has a nickel sized bruise on his forehead.

Heineken starts to writhe and tries to turn around on the cops.

Cop 1 twists Heineken's right arm into an escort hold.

Heineken tries to break free from the escort holds and begins to fall forward. He breaks his left arm loose and tries to spin. Cop 2 tries to punch Heineken in the back. He misses and hits Heineken square in the ass.

Cop 1 laughs.

Heineken gets handcuffed and begins to scream at the top of his lungs.

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"
"Fuck you!"

(Breath)

"Fuck you!"

(breath)

"Fuck you!"

FD begins to take Heineken's vitals readings.

Heineken then makes a request of FD.

"Fuck me in the ass!"

(breath)

"Fuck me in the ass!"

(breath)

"Fuck me in the ass!"

"Fuck me in the ass!"
"Fuck me in the ass!"

"Fuck me in the ass!"

(breath)

"Just please yes do it!"

(breath)

"Just please yes do it!"

(breath)

"Just please yes do it!"

"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"
"Just please yes do it!"

(breath)

"I love Obama!"

(breath)

"I love Obama!"

(breath)

"I love Obama but I'm the dickhead!"

(breath)

"I love Obama but I'm the dickhead!"

(breath)

"I love Obama but I'm the dickhead!"

Cop 1, Cop 2, Cop 3, and Cop 4 watch as Heineken continues screaming inside the ambulance about his affections for Obama.

FD gives Heineken a shot of something in his I.V.

Heineken falls asleep.

Cop 2, Cop 3, Cop 4, and FD leave.

Cop gets back in his ghetto sled and begins typing again where he left off.

Adulthood has robbed me!!

2009-03-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

When was it that I lost the ability to remove the paper from a straw?!?!

Gone are the days when you could gently tap one and of the straw and have the straw appear out the top, then gleefully blow the outer paper at someone hoping to hit them in the face.

Its like those things are put on with glue. Now I have to do this "pull-apart-the-paper-from-the middle in two pieces" thing which makes a weird squeaking sound. Sometimes I have to go through three straws to get one that hasn't been twisted into a knot when I'm done. I thought this was just a random phenomenon, then I realized it happens all the time every time.

Bring back the good ole American straw! When it took three redwoods to make one paper straw sleeve!! Loose fitting paper, lotsa air in there! Perfect for shooting at someone and making that accordion snake thingy which expands when you get it wet.

I blame Hillary Clinton.

Frontman489

Wisdom of the ages......

2009-03-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

Every person who has ever walked the Earth can be fit into one of four categories no matter how rich, poor, famous, unknown, living, or dead:

1.) Those that pee in the shower.
2.) Those that don't pee in the shower.
3.) Those that pee in the shower and say they don't.
4.) Those that don't shower.

Also whether or not you like walnuts in your brownies...that's a pretty defined line.....not may fence sitters on that one.

more to come......

Frontman489